Complexity in my life

Last month, I found myself playing with a new Sharpie which I love love LOVE! Who would have thought that I could get so passionate about an ink pen?  But there you have it.  I love to draw and express whatever wants to emerge from inside me at the time.  The above photo is a progress shot of an abstract drawing that I worked on for a couple of days during January 2014.  I like it.  I like this one a lot.

This is an image of the finished abstract drawing with purple and blue hue oil pastels rubbed into the acid-free paper.  I had so much fun rubbing the oils into the paper and seeing them mingle and create such an awesome effect.

I never plan these kinds of drawings… they are organic and evolutionary.  They decide what they want to be when they are on the page.  My right brain has a fabulous time creating these images and I am so happy with the way this one has turned out.

After some reflection, I have decided to dedicate this post to the complexity that I felt inside while playing with this drawing and especially to some of the complex personal/professional connections I have in my life.

Life can be filled with twists and turns, ups and downs.  Some days, I feel high with happiness (figuratively speaking people – I don’t do drugs), and other days I feel low and lost in a mire of depression.  Although, to look at me, you probably wouldn’t see the dark depression that sometimes lurks in the shadows.

It is difficult to express the complex emotions that go through me at various moments in my life.  Sometimes I feel like I am truly on track in life, doing what I do best and loving things.  Then, wham! Just like that, I am thrown into a darkness that has me wondering if I have anything to offer the world at all!

Is that a bad thing to admit?  I don’t think it matters really.  I would rather be up front about the way I feel than hide in plain sight.

Today, at work, I felt rather unhappy.

I am going to be honest about how complex things can be for me.  There are days, at work, where I interact with various people and have life learning experiences.  I believe that every experience has something to offer me and I do what I can to learn from all experiences and better myself.  Anyway, I have noticed a pattern, a bit like my complex abstract artwork, and that is that some people seem to have an inability to stop themselves from over explaining, talking too much and dismissing other people’s opinions.

Personally, there are times when I feel that I am not heard or listened to at all.

It bothers me.

I sit and reflect on what is happening and wonder, am I being over-sensitive?

But mostly, I wonder how I can possibly be of any assistance to people around me if they cannot hear what I have to offer?

This disinterest in my value makes me feel resentful, angry and desperate for freedom.

I secretly (or not so secretly now…) wish for something better.  Maybe a better job, maybe to run away and join the circus.  I only wish I was good with heights and flexible enough to do that kind of job… alas, I fall short of those particular skill strengths.

I hope you do not mind me confiding in you that I want to create better life for myself and to establish more balanced working relationships?

I guess it’s a work in progress, relating to people.  Yet, there are times when I find myself unable to make my way across that bridge as I encounter certain people who seem to consider that their opinion, thoughts and assessments of a given situation are always right.

There are days when I wonder if these people only like to hear the sound of their own voice?

Lately, I have noticed that when one of these rather self-absorbed, ‘the world orbits around me,’ people begin talking, I don’t hear them.  I hear ‘blah, blah, blah, don’t you think my way is right?  Aren’t I good?  Don’t you agree with me??? blah etc’ white noise…

It’s very difficult to stay tuned in to people who do this.  Especially when they appear to be open to feedback only to somehow misplace that feedback and continue the same self-absorbed destructive behaviour pattern.

Am I the only one who cannot stand ‘white noise?’

I hear them waffle on and on, making superfluous points which are important only to them and their internal agendas.

What can I say… life is complex.  People are complex.  I am complex.  I guess it takes all sorts of people to make up the tapestry of humanity.  Some people I like and can listen to for, like ever!

And other people are like listening to the television late at night when is goes ‘schhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’

I have to admit, I’m kind of over trying to look interested in people who do this.  Harsh but true.

At least I am honest.

I had better leave my complex complaining there.

I hope you are having a great day/night and getting the best out of life.  I am sure that this situation is teaching me something valuable, even if it is not to treat other people the way that I have been treated by the ‘white noise’ brigade.